Life Lessons: Playful Parenting
Lawrence Cohen: "Playful Parenting"
Join children where they live, on their terms. Children don’t say, “I had a hard day at school today; can I talk to you about it?” They say, “Will you play with me?”
When we constantly tell children what they should or shouldn’t do, they have no room to think for themselves and are forced to choose between resentful obedience or defiant rebellion. Playfulness helps them think for themselves, even about serious topics.
The original version: “I hate you!” The translation: “I haven’t figured out yet how to be mad at somebody I love; it’s confusing.”
Kissing means “I could be biting you, but I am not.” Caressing means “I could be hitting you, but I am not.”
All the children’s games that are about connection: Chase, tag, follow the leader, and hide-and-seek are obvious examples.
With an eleven-year-old boy who is fearful, I pretend that I am scared of everything. To act incompetent helps them feel more powerful. One child tries to feel powerful at another child’s expense. This is another reason adults need to participate in this kind of play - so that children won’t do it to one another.
When frustrated, make a mock threat that lightens up the situation and turns it into play. Real threats communicate: I’m mad at you, it’s your fault, and you had better shape up. The predictable result is defensiveness and conflict. Mock threats mixed with humor can communicate: I’m not happy with how things are going between us and I want us to fix it. The result this time is a relaxing of the tension and a willingness to meet each other halfway.
For most difficulties between parents and children, the real problem is lack of connection, so the solution is more connection.
Let the child win. The best end to an episode of wrestling is victory for the child. You say, “You try to pin me down using all your strength - you try to get me on my back with both my shoulders on the floor (or, you try to get past me onto the couch, but you can’t sneak around; you have to use all your strength to go right past me).” Children learn by using their bodies.
Make up pretend games to deal with fears. Otherwise, they will just avoid the thing they fear.
If you want your child to be friends with someone, the parents should invite their whole family over.
Children who feel connected also feel inclined to be cooperative and thoughtful. Most punishments involve exerting power over a child, which just increases his or her sense of isolation and powerlessness.
Whenever there is any problem, either a parent or a child can call a meeting on the couch. The goal is to get reconnected. Whatever the problem is, disconnection either caused it or made it worse or made it harder to solve. Once you are both at the couch, anything may happen. You might talk seriously about what has been going on, or you may not even talk about it, just take the chance to reconnect. You might end up just goofing around and being silly together. Try to stay on the couch until both of you are ready to go back and do things differently from before. Meetings on the couch are not just for misbehavior. You can call a meeting if you notice your child is sad.
If someone is looking for attention that bad, I figure they must need some attention! If we give them enough of the good kind, they won’t be so desperate that they’ll settle for the bad kind.
After they’ve done something wrong, listening to how they feel about it, and telling them calmly how we feel, all do much more to instill good judgment than punishment.
Children develop into thoughtful, considerate, honest, and kind adults because of love and affection, because of high moral standards, and because of a close relationship with someone who models those values.
Promises, threats, rewards, and punishments don’t work. Use loving and talking as the basis for our discipline.
Children’s behavior is a coded message. To break the code, translate what they are doing into a sentence that starts with “I need___” or “I feel_”. Fill in the blank, and then respond to that need or that feeling, not to their behavior.